“MORE HEADS! MORE DEADS!”
That’s actually the tag line on the poster of 3 Headed Shark Attack. Granted, I added the exclamation marks which may serve to prove that maybe, once and for all, even production company Asylum are getting tired of the drivel they’re producing. That, or it’s just another blunder in a series of what has to be, intentional blunders.
So the story (let me just get it out of the way) sees a group of scientists and activists hauled up in an underwater research facility as they seek to understand more about the Great Pacific garbage patch. Sucks for them though because there is a 3 headed shark (!) feeding off of the radiation in the patch, turning it into a rabid death machine. Now they must escape this mutant fish in the most illogical and asinine ways possible…oh and with as little emotion as they can muster.
I’m torn between having to write an objective review and not insulting your intelligence here but you already know the story is bad don’t you? Hmm? You clinked on a link for a review of 3 Headed Shark Attack. I’ll humour you. Yes it’s bad. Maybe the premise is pretty stock standard for a monster movie, but everything that happens around it is woeful. I watched nearly every moron from this group swim out to a boat in 3 headed shark infested waters simply because they weren’t patient enough. I yelled at the TV. I didn’t get that passionate during 12 Years a Slave and that shit was heart wrenching.
I feel like the word “bad” is subjective. For instance, by comparison, calling the acting here bad is like saying human sex trafficking is a mild inconvenience. To reiterate, these people are being attacked by a shark, with 3 heads. I don’t know man, a sense of urgency wouldn’t go astray. At one point, the lead scientist urges a colleague to move to the highest of emergency warnings because “someone has just died” and she does it in the calmest way possible. No, someone didn’t just die. What you saw was a triple headed monster leap from the ocean 10 feet into the air, landing mouth (the middle one I think) first into some guys face and then proceeded to tear his limbs off. Panic woman! Reach inside yourself.
They roped Danny Trejo and pro wrestler Rob Van Dam into this mess. Trejo never looks like he cares but here he just looks utterly bored. He even brings a machete along so you cant help but wonder if he was just on his way home from another set and stopped off at the beach. Van Dam seems to be the only one that is taking this seriously. Wincing and breaking down doors with axes, oozing all of the enthusiasm of a cast member in The Avengers. Bless you Rob!
But hey, we’re watching this for the gore right? Look, credit where its due, they have come a long way with how these creatures look since Mega Shark vs Giant…something or other. The shark is just passable and people get eaten alive and its all very hilarious and it does the job. The best scene though is when one guy (and this expression has not been more apt since its actual inception on Happy Days) literally jumps the shark. Yep, off the side of a boat, wide slo-mo shot, axe in hand – buries that sucker into the sharks back and goes for the ride of his life. (Check it out, it’s right up there). Amazing.
3 Headed Shark Attack is awful, god awful. But at this stage, isn’t that the point? Who’s watching these things? The answer is anyone who is going to approach them as comedies because in essence, that’s all they ever will be, directly or indirectly. So if you fancy yourself some bad acting, terrible special effects and Danny Trejo telling someone over a short wave radio that he is only operating a fishing boat but then unleashing an arsenal of assault rifles, then this is your jam.
Film Review Score: ONE STAR (OUT OF FIVE)
3 Headed Shark Attack is available on DVD now.