With a title that can’t be misconstrued in all its obviousness, it makes sense as to why Held Hostage in My House adheres to a melodramatic, campy temperament. Despite the cheapness of proceedings, you have to hand it to writer/director Anna Elizabeth James (who seemingly has a penchant for blatantly titled thrillers, with Sinister Sorority and the Kristin Davis-fronted Deadly Illusions on her resume) for managing an impressive roster of players here, with Amy Smart, Matthew Davis, Billy Zane and Ne-Yo (yes, the R&B crooner) all up for the task of leaning into the film’s unsubtle nature.
But a willing cast does not a good movie make, and even though Held Hostage in My House has that so-bad-it’s-fascinating mentality about it, it doesn’t necessarily mean that fascination needs to be tickled. The character with the titular predicament is Smart’s Dawn, who is knocked unconscious by a masked figure as she tidies up her rental property, awaking tied to a bed and, naturally, entirely confused as to why she is there. James’s script then employs a series of flashbacks to give us a line-up of potential suspects as Dawn tries to piece it all together. It’s rife with cheap fade shots, terrible dialogue and Billy Zane doing the most with a wig, resulting in a reveal that’s more eye-rolling than investing.
Unaware that the guests who have rented out her peaceful property have cancelled and they won’t be arriving to rescue her, Dawn (and her voiceover) tries to figure out who could be responsible, leading her to reminisce on her relationships with her former art professor (Ne-Yo), the handsome Yousef (Jay Ali), who she had a slew of dates with, and her good-time girl bestie Victoria (Ava Gaudet). It seems strange that she would think any of these characters are responsible for her predicament, but the running time needs to be filled, and it ultimately makes more sense than suspecting the absolutely random guests she’s hosted over the years who she bizarrely constructs connections to; the pimp she has arrested for hosting prostitutes at her establishment, the polyamorous doctor (Zane) who overshares on his sexual plans, and the scorned wife of a man who would rent the house to meet with his gay lover
Why Dawn’s house is such a hotbed for fornication is anyone’s guess, but it gives the poor lass plenty to think about as she lays helpless. In addition, there’s the present day situation around her co-parenting issues with her ex-husband (Davis), who is hoping to propose to his new girlfriend (Greer Grammar), and the mounting fire ant issue at her house, which, in perhaps the most bizarre additive of the film, become something of a major plot device regarding her safety. Yes, Held Hostage in My House really does aim for the “everything but the kitchen sink” temperament, and despite the good sportsmanship of all involved, it’s never able to overcome the sheer madness of its structure.
Ultimately too ambitious a story for James, it’s highly possible that Held Hostage in My House will find an ironic audience as it moves to general streaming services. It’s utterly bonkers and too well cast for such nonsense, but a certain audience after the breeziest of watches probably won’t mind the mild shake-up from their usually safe programming. You know exactly what you’re getting with such a spelt out title, so don’t be surprised that it never rises above mediocrity.
ONE AND A HALF STARS (OUT OF FIVE)
Held Hostage in My House is now streaming on Netflix (US).
