Crackdown 3 is a game about an agency of highly trained, superpowered cops taking back the city of New Providence from the claws of an evil corporate empire called Terranova. Each sector of the city is overseen by a different brutal crimelord under Terranova’s control. The game’s main campaign has the player baiting these supervillains into the open and destroying them in a hail of rocket fire. We thought it was pretty okay. You can read our full review here.
But there is a greater evil at work in New Providence, one that goes unseen the entire game, an enemy more pervasive than any of the deadshit crime bosses you’ve dispatched. I’m talking about Director Goodwin, the faceless, gravel-voiced leader of The Agency. Goodwin keeps an eye on your exploits throughout the city, granting access to ever more powerful gear and abilities as you gain power, territory and influence.
He also never fucking shuts up.
For someone who is supposed to be running a world-class police force, Director Goodwin spends 100% of his time watching my every move and commenting on it every twenty fucking seconds. He also seems to suffer from short term memory loss, repeating the same unfunny catchphrases over and over, and providing tutorial instructions long after they’ve become irrelevant. He claims (over and over) to love the smell of toxic waste in the morning, perhaps that has something to do with it.
Inane chatter in a major AAA release is nothing new. I’m usually able to live with it, a high tolerance built up over many years, but Director Goodwin has broken me. He is impossible to ignore, his banal running commentary shouted in your ear once every 15-30 seconds. The regularity with which he appears makes me wonder if developer Sumo Digital has made a mistake somewhere, a decimal point in the wrong spot cutting the time between his unasked-for interjections down to almost zero.
Worse, there’s no way to turn him off. The only way to shut Goodwin up is to turn the game’s Voice Volume setting down to zero, silencing every other character in the game along with him. There’s nothing in the audio options that let you bring Goodwin’s endless chatter to a halt and still hear everyone else’s dialogue.
If the campaign’s finale revealed Goodwin as the true villain all along, watching my every move to gain a better understanding of my weaknesses, I would murder him with greater enthusiasm than any other enemy the game could throw at me. His death would come swiftly, I wouldn’t savour the moment. I’d destroy him with ruthless efficiency and then rejoice in never having to hear his voice again.
Sumo Digital, please, a modest request: Add a switch to the menu so I can shut him up. Please. I’m begging you.