Anthony Locascio compares Melbourne and Sydney residents ahead of his Heart of Darkness tour

Sydney-based comedian Anthony Locascio is about to head out on his Heart of Darkness tour for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and Sydney and Perth Comedy Festivals. Kicking off today at Belgian Beer Café in Melbourne, the tour will stay until 22 April before moving to Factory Theatre Fusebox in Sydney from 3-7 May and The Rechabite in Perth from 12-13 May.

As an Italian-Greek citizen, Anthony is known for his post-racial comedy prevalent in the recent success Don’t Call Me a Wog!. Heart of Darkness explores guilt, morality, love and depravity with a performance blending personal anecdotes and quickfire wit. After all, doesn’t everyone deserve to live, laugh and love?

In preparation for the tour, Anthony compared three stereotypical residents of Melbourne and Sydney to share the hilarious verdict with us.

As a Sydney born and raised comedian, it’s probably utter blasphemy for me to say this…but I think I am a Melbourne person. I’m in the arts, my family is Greek and Italian, and I get righteously angry about social justice issues I really haven’t done enough research on. I’m perfect for the place.

Having said this, I wonder if the parallel people you tend to find over and over and over and over again in each city will annoy me the same. So, to help me reach my conclusion, I’ve plotted out the Top 3 of each city, and we can decide together.

Melbourne #3 – Haughty Homeless Man

There’s a point where you can veer too far into hipster (do we still use that word?) territory before people just instinctively start chucking change into your takeaway almond latte. Raggedy beanies are effective for keeping your head warm, but not so much when half of your (I’m not sure if this guy is a) white guy dreadlocks are pouring out.

I was at Sir Charles in Fitzroy literally yesterday and saw diet Lenny Kravitz with cut-off glove tips order a muffin to take away, take a bite, then leave the rest on the table and take off…I guess as a tip?

Sydney #3 – Corporate Douche (2023 Model)

I hope in 2023 we can finally answer the question; how much ankle is too much ankle to be visible on a man wearing ostensibly long pants? Where are your socks, buddy? I can handle the shine of the Tag Heuer almost blinding me. I can handle the extra-large Ralph Lauren horse on your chest. I can even handle the boat shoes being worn at a pub at least five kilometres from the nearest dock.

But what I can’t handle is being sucked into a cocaine-infused vortex of empty stream of consciousness because all the cubicles are currently occupied and I’m trying to pee near you. At least the first guy left me some muffin; 1-0 to Melbourne.

Melbourne #2 – Brunswick Babe

I’m at a bar. The distinct stomp of RM Williams gets my attention, caressing the bottom of vintage Levi’s and a flannelette. I am called ‘dude’ thrice before being asked if I’ve decided on a cocktail from the menu. Somehow, this girl works here, dressed like my younger sister headed to the movies at 13 years old.

Sydney #2 – “I dropped out of Uni to start a fashion label”

“Even though I needed 17 dexys to get through each exam, Sydney Uni Law wasn’t quite challenging enough for me, so I decided to drop out and inherit my mother’s boutique fashion store and I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m designing and making my own stuff that only looks almost identical to the stuff we already were selling!”

“Make sure you follow us on TikTok for all the BTS footage of how we created our newest line of Mamillas!”

You know what, respect the hustle; 1-1 it’s tied!

Melbourne #1 – The Superhero Marvel Wishes It Had

“5G breaks down your DNA, STOP 5G!” is branded in strange fonts across a large sign being held by a guy in off-brand wayfarers and a backwards cap at 11am on Swanston Street. He needs both hands to carry the sign, so he is vaping freestyle. He only intermittently chants his protest, to illustrate the waves 5G comes in to destroy us. The sign might seem made with minimal effort, but time is of the essence when you’re saving humanity, and he had to run out of the house.

Nearby, a squadron of similar heroes grace the front of the Adidas store, belting out the poetic “down with Adidas” in response to their megaphone-wielding fearless leader. Why down with Adidas? How dare you not know. How dare you turn a blind eye. DOWN WITH ADIDAS.

Sydney #1- Started From The Bottom Now We Double Bay

I respect an underdog. I’d even go as far as saying I idolise those who have risen from well below the socio-economic median line to achieve their dreams. And who cares if those dreams, in Sydney, usually have price tags?

That’s why, when I get off the bus in Double Bay and almost get sideswiped by a cobalt blue Lexus being driven by Moey – who just made the move from Punchbowl but is still rocking the Champion hoodie, Adidas trackies (DOWN WITH ADIDAS) and Tns, I don’t get mad. I stand and salute.

A true story of triumph; a man catapulted to the top by sheer hustle and an entire city’s irrepressible hunger for amphetamines.

I think it’s time to move to Melbourne.

Buy your tickets to Heart of Darkness in Melbourne, Sydney and Perth now. Stay connected with Anthony on Facebook and Instagram.